Category: In Lighter Vein

CHALTA HAI – MOHAN RAM-BHAROSE is Chalta Hai’s first attempt at movie making and is already being talked about as a potential Oscar winner. Here are some of the scenes that have already been shot (being an international movie, some of the dialogues are in English, whilst others are in Hindi; the ones which are in Punjabi have been deleted in order to avoid getting an ‘A’ Certificate for the movie):

Scene One: A warship has been wrecked and is seen going down in almost still waters (Sea State 1). The hero of the movie, a certain RR, (not to be confused with another Ram, eg, Raja Ram or with the expression “Ram Ram” (of ‘RR Satya Hai’ fame) is seen in sea-water clinging for dear life to a wooden grating along with his friend RS (Raavan Singh; he was christened as Ram Singh on birth, but, after he joined WATT, all the constructors led by one whose name has two Hindu gods strength, pronounced him as the most evil man on earth: Raavan).

RR (speaking from the memory of the most ‘intellectual’ books that he had read (written by René Goscinny and illustrated by Albert Uderzo): Shiver my timbers; what happened.

RS (as calmly as explaining A for Apple to a child): Our ship went down.

RR (Perplexed, similar to his hero Obelix): But, did we hit something?

RS: No.

RR (Seeking clarity): Did something hit us?

RS: No.

RR: (Getting that bolt from the blue): The Pakis? Jehadis? LeT? Al Qaeda? Indian Mujahideen? What then?

RS: (Furiously shaking his nut even though almost fully immersed in water) No, no, no, no….for Ram’s sake no. And don’t keep saying “What”; this Watt only got us into thick soup with all our friends. At last count it was 93 Likes, 1 Share and 46 obnoxious comments.

RR: (Losing his patience): But _____(Censored Being in Punjabi; in future: CBP) huaa kyaa?

RS: Nothing huaa Sir; the ship was as it is (Mohan) Ram bharose. Starts singing: “Yeh to hona hi thaa”.

Scene Two: Shows an old man MR, wistfully remembering his best ship designs: paper-boats or kaagaz ki kashtiyan. This is the scene wherein the credits of the movie are flashed. The old man, in the background, is seen lowering some of his best ‘designs’ into the water. Gentle notes of Jagjit Singh’s ghazal accompany the credits:

Ye daulat bhi le lo,
Ye shauhrat bhi le lo,
Bhale chheen lo mujhase meri jawaani;
Magar mujhako lauta do
DND ka wo tenure
Wo kaagaz ki kashti
Wo baarish ka paani.

Scene Three: Shows MR sitting in his office in DND with a huge map of the world. A freshman constructor walks in.

FC: What is with this huge map of the world, Sir?

MR: I am planning the next indigenous design of a navy ship.

FC (Scratching his head, admittedly a great pastime with NCs): I don’t understand what has an indigenous design got to do with the world map?

MR: You are new to the constructor branch. We have to cull the indigenous design from as many foreign countries as we can visit.

FC: But Sir you just finished visiting dozens of countries from Iran to England to Russia; indeed, the number of countries that you have visited is much more than any ship designed by you in a lifetime would visit. Indeed, in later life, if someone were to start a Humour In Uniform group, you would have more than enough to regale them endlessly with your tales of, say, sitting in a plane in Iran full of chickens or being treated as a royal guest by a German company director. Why do you want to visit more?

MR: You will not make a good NC if you keep questioning the need to visit foreign countries extensively in search of indigenous design. In any case, the last two dozen countries that I visited were in connection with Leander – nay – Giri class of ships’ indigenous design. Now I have to go abroad to inculcate the indigenous design for modified Leander – er, Godavari class of ships. Remember, every time I go abroad we get a huge fillip for indigenous design effort.

FC: Now I get it; I too want to get into indigenous designs. I always wanted to visit Scandinavian countries.

Scene fades with FC singing: zara haule haule chalo MR ji; ham bhi peechhe hain tumhaare.

Scene Four: Commissioning ceremony of INS Ganga by PM Shri Rajiv Gandhi. Ceremony over, the commissioning CO is having a party on the quarterdeck. Both the Fleet Commander and the CO are Punjabis. Hence, some of the dialogues are CBP.

Fleet Cdr: I say Kailash, have you seen your ship’s side? It is in the pits.

KKK: I know Sir, such large scale pits were not there either in the British ships or Russian ships.

Fleet Cdr: I believe you have very large free spaces but weapon and sensor spaces are cramped.

KKK: Yes Sir. It is a ______(CBP) pity.

Fleet Cdr: And on the radar you paint louder than a carrier.

KKK: Yes Sir.

Fleet Cdr: Whose ______ (CBP) design is this?

KKK: I am not sure Sir; but, they call it Mohan Ram Bharose design.

Fleet Cdr: Strange name! Why can’t they sail on their own designed ships?

KKK: I think they are hardly ever in India to do that!

Scene fades with the notes of: Hey Rome Rome mein basane waale Ram….

Cut to last scene.

Last Scene: Opening time of a famous mobike peddling shop in Bengaluru. The owner, known by his initials ‘MR’ as most south Indians are known, is saying his prayers with dhoop and agarbatti at a sandal-wood garlanded huge picture of Rajnikant. His wife has arrived there carrying his tiffin with his breakfast.

Wife: Why do you keep praying with dhoop to Rajnikant’s picture?

MR: Because I have the same qualities as him; no one can even dream of beating me. I am fast on the draw. Indeed, I am the fastest like my idol RK.

Wife (Glancing at the morning newspaper): Have you seen the headlines today; another ship designed by you when you were in the Navy has gone down.

MR (Quick on the draw as RK): I have already analysed it as I did with others:

One, ships are manned by nincompoops; for a ship meant for 300, the AHs in NHQ put 600.

Two, my designed ships older than just a few days should be retired. My guarantee of the ships is only about a week; excluding Sunday, that is.

Three, do you think these _____s (Not CBP but still censored!) know how to operate the ships.

Wife: But, why did they sink?

MR (takes out his calculator and does extensive calculations of whose results he writes on the side-lines of the same paper carrying the news about the ship sinking): See here, my stability calculations still hold good. It should never have sunk.

Wife (Remembering something from her primary class Hindi books): Abhi to jyun kaa tyun, kunbaa dooba kyun?

MR: Search me.

The scene fades with MR having pooja thali in one hand and a brass ghanti in the other and singing the ‘hymn’: Rajnikanta fool tumhaare, mehken youn constructor ban ke…..

And his wife singing: Ram teri Ganga maili ho gayi….

The End

And then a voice over: Kahin naa jayiye meharbaan; Chalta Hai abhi aur baaki hai dost.

Chalta Hai is a group on the Facebook with the following Link:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/ChaltaHaiJi/

You may like to join the group. Not convinced? Here are the recommendations:

Here is the Chalta Hai Anthem:

Disclaimer: All characters in the above screen play are fictional and bear no resemblance to any person living or….well, living.