Author: Sunbyanyname

Cellphones have become part of our life; so much so that an ad campaign shows the mobile phone craving for a man’s attention – through urgent ringtone – even when he, with his would be wife, are taking rounds of the nuptial fire (agni), or attending a funeral, or a class in a college or even in the library. Together with the cellphone have come various styles of attending to the calls or talking on the phone. I am listing out some that I have observed. You can add to it in the comments below.The queerest of them all is what I call the Jain wayof talking. This person has the hand in front of his mouth, covering his trap, half his face and extending it to the cellphone at his ear. He or she is convinced that if they don’t direct the sound energy from the mouth to the ear, the phone and hence the recipient won’t be able to catch it.

Then there is the man who feels every phone conversation is a public address. He walks up and down with his phone at the ear and is loudly discussing transactions with the third party. He is totally oblivious of the crowds around him; however, they can’t be so oblivious of him thanks to his irritable pacing and taking for granted that people around him would be totally interested how much he gets out of a truck full of old gunny bags.

I just love this style: the phone rings and the man or the woman looks around as if betrayed by the ring. He or she then picks up the phone furtively and goes to the corner of the room like a scared puppy and talks into it like a prompter in a play.

Pic courtesy: zyozy.org

Then there is the one more used to the olden day (early twentieth century) phones that had an earphone stuck to the ear and a microphone attached to a wire in front of the mouth. So, in memory of this style (at that time a necessity) he or she alternates the cellphone to the ear and the mouth. For example, he puts the phone directly in front of his mouth, mutters something, and then quickly takes it to his ear to catch what the other party has to say.

I am rather amused by this inimitable (for me) style: in this the person speaking on the phone sticks it between his shoulder, neck and ear and then goes about doing other important things such as skinning a radish or shelling peanuts with both his hands. Most often than not he has a lit beedi in his mouth that he puffs at without the use of his hands. And just when he is comfortable with doing all the three things, the other phone in his trouser pocket rings. I keep imagining this guy working in a circus or playing a number of instruments together like Vinod Khanna in the Hindi movie Amar, Akbar, Antony.

Then there is the one who can only be called ‘lambi race kaa ghoda’ (Long race horse). He knows that his conversation is not a matter of minutes but hours. He not only keeps putting the phone to alternate ears, but, even in the same ear he keeps shifting the angle to match with whether he wants to hear or talk or even to emphasize a point.

You have seen and heard of the person with ears plugged and a wire going to the trouser pocket or speaking through a bluetooth device. However, none of these are for the eternal lover. He walks past you as if talking to himself whilst in his pocket is the cellphone on speaker. He describes everything to his girlfriend including rain, guy almost falling off a bus and the lovely puppy eating the ice cream cone thrown away by the rich-kid. He is also in a perpetual trance and, if it is not for the kind hearted old woman, he’d walk straight into the open man-hole.

This man is rich, very rich. He is a Telugu from the rich East Godavari district. He has any number of latest models of cellphones. He has one on his left ear, another on his right and one in the hand on which he is playing Angry Bird. Next to him his three daughters, two sons, his wife etc all are doing the same on their phones. You don’t find it funny? Well, niether does the air hostess who had made a fervent announcement to switch off the cellphones before the take off.

pic courtesy: textually.org

Then we have this girl. The cover of her phone resembles a cassette or a pencil box or a giant eraser. You are amused that she can talk to such objects but she is carrying on a conversation as if it is perfectly normal for people to talk to an eraser.

We have the group cellphone. On this phone first the man talks and then throws it to a woman at the other end of the railway compartment and shouting to her, “Mata ji kaa hai, tumhaare baare mein poochh rahin hain.” (It is from your mother enquiring after you). Just when you pity the couple for not getting a seat together on the 6:30 PM fast from Churchgate to Viraar; she throws it to their son tring to edge himself closer to a man about to get down, with, “Vikaas, beta, mata ji ko pranaam kar le” (Vikaas my son, pay your respect to your grandmother). Before, Vikas can throw it to the rest of the family, you get down at Borivali after having endured long-distance telephony.

We also have this guy who takes his phone everywhere whilst talking, even to the toilet. It appears that next they will have a cellphone that dispenses toilet paper.

Pic courtesy: best-choice-tech.com

Then there is the man who feels it is totally the fault of the cellphone that life is treating him bad. Hence, he directs all his anger on the phone, screams, shouts, waves it angrily as if to throw it. For him the biggest crib in his life is the phone – his biggest enemy. People around him pity the makers of the cellphones. He could be used in the cellphone companies for carrying out endurance test of the phones.

I end with this guy who could have been a director in a movie. He builds the scene on his phone and includes you as the other actors (extras) in the movie. He gives you directions like “Shhh” and even asks you, “Sala samajhta kya hai apne aap ko?” (What does he think of himself?)

Copyright: AIMS

The following graph brings out the importance of the variable component, ie, the mood, towards the success of an assignment.

Copyright: AIMS

It can thus be made out that mood plays an important role in success of assignments. And yet, for reasons beyond comprehension, not enough studies have been done to promote Mood Setting. AIMS intends to fill up the gap.

To easily understand the concept, take the case of an assignment of modeling. Lets say a model has to do a shoot for an ad depicting a headache or toothache or a near relative having died so as to bring out the need for an analgesic or right toothpaste or an insurance policy. In 30 seconds of the advertisement the model has to go through emotions ranging from extreme pain or sorrow to sudden joy or relief. You will say that the entire thing depends upon the acting prowess of the model. Right? Wrong. Acting prowess is the fixed skill of an individual (refer to graphs above). If one is not in the right mood, the entire shoot can be a failure.

To explain it further, lets say the model’s boy friend has, that morning, accepted her persistent suggestion that she be taken out for dinner. She is on top of the world with feet hardly touching the ground. At this stage if she was to be asked to do an ad for air ballooning, she would perhaps be in the right mood. However, death of a relative or headache are far away from her buoyant mood. That’s where a qualified Mood Setter comes in handy. He or she has enormous experience at Mood Setting and proceeds, as an example, as per following flow diagram (in this case the depiction is to set the mood from buoyant to pained):

Copyright: AIMS

Lets take another scenario. And here I don’t mind telling you big bucks are there for the asking for the Mood Setter: A politician has to suddenly visit a flood affected area. This would involve looking sad at the plight of hundreds of countrymen who would have lost their houses, near and dear ones, livelihood, livestock etc. The politician would have never remotely come across this situation. So, even if he tries his best acting skills – which most of them do from the time of campaigning for elections onwards – he/she is unlikely to be in the appropriate mood for empathising with the victims of the flood. In today’s age of media ubiquitousness, such politicians are often caught on the camera smiling to the crowds that is seen by the victims as not being in sync with the gloomy mood of the situation. That’s where our Mood Setter comes in. Just ten minutes with the minister, in his plane, whilst on the way to flood-affected area, are sufficient to get the minister into the right mood. He is thus able to avoid the kind of faux pas that George Bush made when he said, “What the f__k is that?” not knowing that the microphone was on; or, of the Indian External Affairs Minister happily reading the wrong speech in the UN.

The business of Mood Setting has unlimited opportunities, at the higher levels, at the middle levels and day to day or routine levels. Let me give an example each of each level. At the higher level: lets say the Maharashtra government is toying with the idea of a new airport near Panvel (indeed they have been planning this for the last 20 years). Various surveys have been done, reports prepared, technical panels have discussed ad infinitum the feasibility, budgetary estimates made etc. So, why are we not going further than putting a board saying: Site for Airport? Once again, it would be a big mistake to think that there are such issues as environmental clearance that are keeping the coconut to be broken over launching the project. The actual reason is that the concerned people and authorities are not in the right frame of mind. In other words: not in the right mood. That is where my organisation can help. Our highly qualified mood setters, at nominal cost, can change the mood, say, within a week.

Take the middle level. Indian Cricket Team won the ODI World Cup and we were the best team in the world for Test Cricket. This means that we had the requisite skills to be the world champs. And yet, the hammering that we got in the recent tour to England made us look like nincompoops; playing cricket for the first time. What went wrong? Analysis done at AIMS shows that they were not in the right mood (they were, for example, in the IPL Mood whereas it requires a different mood altogether to play international cricket abroad). Mood Setting is really a specialised business. Our SMEs (Subject Matter Experts) have proven abilities to change the mood of any cricketing team. Team India could have very well won in England if they had consulted us.

Lastly, here is an example of a routine day-to-day level. You and family, lets say, have to visit another family whose son has topped the university in BA exam whereas your own son has failed miserably. They are celebrating and expect you to share their bubbly and happiness. Our MS will sit with you for precisely 15 mins and you would be in the right mood to visit your friend. What’s more is that since you won’t be moping or sulking, he is likely to stay your friend even after your visit.

Let me give one last example: your boss, for apparently no fault of yours, gave you a dressing down because of a fire or other botch-up in the premises. You feel it was uncalled for. In the evening he calls you home for dinner for the ring ceremony of his only daughter. If you continue being in the morning mood, eventually you can say goodbye to your job. Our trained Mood Setters, after they have finished with you, make it look like to you as if it is your daughter who has the ring ceremony. You don’t have a daughter? Well, don’t mind, you have no idea of the powers of professional mood setting.

Still not convinced to join my organisation? Well, do you know that you have come to the end of this article because I, a qualified Mood Setter, actually willed you to change your mood from murders, scams, arrests, corruption, Anna, Raja, Kalmadi, Amar Singh, Pakistan, Afghanistan etc. And I did it without charging any fees. Think of how your mood would change if you were to hire me or any of my qualified Mood Setters.

Please write your EOI (Expression Of Interest) in my organisation in the Comments below and I shall get back to you.

Mood Setting is the road to success, these days; the next best thing after Facebook and Twitter. Those who want to seek the help of AIMS in solving their inappropriate mood problems, please book on line on the AIMS portal. I shall send you a Mood Setter after we have completed the current assignments of Indian politicians, Bollywood actors, cricketers and jailed leaders.

Also, over a period of time, a number of more such organisations and their acronyms are emerging. Some of these may appear to be deceptively similar to the existing ones but look again and you will see why these are different and urgently required.

• TSJLT        –  Traffic School for Jumping Lanes Tactics.
• IDYTO       –   Institute for Doing Your Thing in the Open.
• YMTA        –   Young Men Terror Association.
• YWTA        –   Young Women Terror Association.
• CII              –   Centre for Idling with Impunity.
• MP             –   Moneyed Person.
• MLA          –   My Livelihood Assured.
• NETA         –   Never Easy To Arrest.
• IACS          –   Indian Association of Compulsive Spitters.
• HHU          –   Horny Honkers Union.

• PTBE         –   Passing The Buck Experts.
• BCCI         –   Bored Cricket Cribbers of India.
• AIPRV       –   Association for Identification of Potential Rape Victims (New Delhi Based)
• SFTPE       –   School for Foreign Travel at Public Expense.
• ORBS        –   Organisation for Receiving Bribes Safely.
• ADARSH  –   Army Doesn’t Avert Re-appropriating Surplus Housing.
• CMNPG    –   Centre for Making Noise to Please Gods.
• SSSMS      –   Strikes Strikes Strikes and More Strikes.
• EWT          –   Encroachment Without Tears.
• USWETs    –   Useful Stripping With Eyes Techniques.
• EJF            –   Elite Jail Friends.
• ECM          –   Elite Cell Mates.
• MICA        –   Member of Indian Cribbers Association.
• POOR        –   People sans Office Or Residence.
• PM            –    Paralysed Man. (If totally paralysed and requiring a chair then: Chairman).

These are typically Indian acronyms. However, should you want to adapt some of these to your own national conditions you have the author’s permission to do so.

It is the same with forming queues of people. In an intense anxiety not to lose our position we, Indians, don’t leave any gaps between people. We touch, shove, kick, push, pull. Lets say someone has to cross the queue; no one is willing to move back to let the person cross, fearful that if one does one would find oneself pushed behind at best or out at worst.

A usually ‘quiet’ street scene in India (Pic courtesy: My Blog Maze)

There is no privacy anywhere even momentarily. If ever you go on the beach or picnic in the woods, try finding an isolated place. By the time you finish spreading the mat and open your hamper there are people all around you with their kids kicking the football or the sand right into your face.

There is a 1950 song sung by Talat Mahmood with lyrics by Majrooh Sultanpuri: “Ai dil mujhe aisi jagah le chal jahan koi na ho” (O’ heart, take me to such a place where there is no one). Well, it might have been possible in India of 1950. It is not possible now six decades later. Indians, the rich ones at least, are buying islands abroad to escape the ubiquitous flow of humanity that we have here.

Jobs are scarce; parking space is well nigh impossible; getting a berth in a train is an ordeal; driving is a nightmare; we make more filth and noise than any country in the world. It makes you think whether in some way or the other having a large population is of some use to us. I have put on my thinking cap and come up with the following advantages:

• We cannot be ignored. We are one sixth of humanity. Soon we shall move up. A time will come when we shall be one fourth, one third, and finally half the humanity.
• Foreign firms are keen to introduce their products in India assured of large patronage.
• Our points of view matter for the sheer force of numbers behind these; eg, we now dictate terms to ICC.
• In case there is a tug of war between populations of nations we will certainly win.
• Rent-a-crowd for political rallies is never a problem. This keeps the morale of the politicians high.
• We are able to send large contingents to UN, foreign visits, olympics etc. These win us large amounts of respect especially when and if we win a medal.
• Potentially we have large work force to repair and build roads, become teachers in our schools, join armed forces to defend the nation and devote their lives to infrastructural projects. It may not be happening now, but, perhaps a time will come when people would actually take such initiatives.
• In case of any adverse fallouts of global economy we are protected as most of our products and services are meant for domestic consumption.
• Someone someday is bound to generate energy from the litter, noise, defecation, spitting and urinating that we adorn our public places with.
• Nothing that we make is ever a failure since we are assured of people buying it, seeing it, visiting it or hiring it. This gives impetus to any enterpreneur initiative.
• Gods are happy with so many people worshipping them. Hence, not just Kerala,we can call the whole nation as Gods Own Country.
• No one in our country need to ever feel lonely.
• The census guys are always kept busy; no sooner have they finished counting us when we add another few crores to the number. India discovered Zero because we were soon to add many of these zeroes to our population.
• Our movies and music are instantly more popular than any other movies and music in the world.

Well, as a first list, I think it would suffice. I have asked my hundred cousins, fifty brothers and sisters and a thousand larger family members to help me prepare the second list. Perhaps, even the readers can help.