MUMBAI RAINS MEIN TRAFFIC KE SIDE EFFECTS

Three years back I wrote ‘Mumbai Rains’ in this blog and it continues to be very popular. Now, I bring you some of the side-effects of Mumbai Rains and traffic during the rains. One of my friends had put up this:

[lineate][/lineate]Foreigner: In Mumbai, do you drive to the left or the right?[lineate][/lineate]Mumbaiite: In Mumbai, we drive on what’s left of the roads.[lineate][/lineate]

(Courtesy: www.indianexpress.com)
(Courtesy: www.indianexpress.com)

 

Mumbai is a melting pot of cultures and languages. I came to know recently that ‘highway‘ is a Punjabi word, after all. When your vehicle goes over an unseen ditch or pothole (which happens in Mumbai quite often), you nurse injuries to yourselves and your vehicle and with every jump say in Punjabi: “Hai ve”! (O, my God)

Lets look at some peculiar scenes and situations caused by the havoc on roads as a result of Mumbai Rains.

I

Swayamvar

Deshpandes are looking for a husband for their elder daughter. She has finished her engineering in computer sciences and has landed a well deserved job at TCS. After her family gave the advertisement in the Matrimonial columns of several dailies, a few eligible boys have pressed their suits. The family has short-listed three of them: Ashok, Ganesh and Sunil. All three boys are also engineers and earning good salaries and from good families. Finally, it has to be Jyoti’s choice. She asks her brother to help. It comes out that since she has to spend the rest of her life with her husband, she wants to be sure (as any girl would) of the essential nature of her man. What if he curses and swears? What if he doesn’t have patience with her? What if he is utterly selfish? Her brother has the most pragmatic plan to find this out, “I shall drive with each one of them from Colaba to Borivali by car. At the end of the journeys, I shall have the answers for you.”

Modern day ‘swayamvar’, tougher than Arjuna shooting with arrow the eye of the fish and most effective way to separate men from boys.

II

Army Headquarters

During  a presentation to the Chief, his Principal Staff Officers are in attendance. The subject is the purchase of the Tatra trucks, the controversy-ridden Tatra trucks.

[lineate][/lineate]Lieutenant General I: Finally, the government has cleared the purchase of these ****ing trucks. It took some coaxing.[lineate][/lineate]The Chief: It always does. But, I guess your team needs to be congratulated for all the hard work put in.[lineate][/lineate]Lieutenant General I: Thank you, Sir[lineate][/lineate]Lieutenant General II: But, Sir, there is a problem. Now that General VK’s assertions have called in question the quality of these vehicles, we need to carry out a rigorous acceptance test-inspection.[lineate][/lineate]Lieutenant General III: We have already prepared for this, Sir. Our engineers have designed an indigenous (stressing on the word so as to invite praise) testing terrain track for the inspections. It would cost only Rupees 5 Crores as compared to the imported track worth 20 Crores.[lineate][/lineate]The Chief: I think we can avoid the wasteful expenditure. Let the vehicles be received in Mumbai and test-drive on Mumbai roads during rains. If they can survive that, they can survive any terrain and conditions.[lineate][/lineate]Lieutenant General I to II (aside): Now why couldn’t we think of that?[lineate][/lineate]Lieutenant General II to I (aside): That’s why he is the Chief and not us.[lineate][/lineate]

III

Times Now’s Evening Top-Story

[lineate][/lineate]Arnab Boswami: This is the third case in the month when a woman in Mumbai has filed for divorce proceedings. She had been suspecting her husband of having an affair. She has been, therefore, timing her husband during his return journey from the office. The duration has been inexplicably (to her) on the increase and that confirmed her deep rooted suspicion that he has been spending time with the other woman, on the side. On the evening before filing the divorce proceedings, her husband spent all of five hours reaching back home. I have on the panel tonight Mister All-is-well Pigvijay Singh from Congress, Mrs. All-men-are-the-same Mamta Besharma, Chairperson of Women’s Commission in India, BJP spokesperson Arun Ketley and finally representative of Aam Aadmi Gharib Das. Let me first put this question to Pigvijay Singh; What is your government doing about this?[lineate][/lineate]PVS: The track record of our government on women’s issues is excellent. You may recall when Nirbhay died in Delhi, Manmohan Singh ji personally went to receive the dead body…[lineate][/lineate]Arnab (Cutting him short, as he always does): No, all this is only a façade. On an everyday basis women are still getting raped. Let me ask Mamta ji: Do you think this is the normal state or an exception that husbands reach back late from work?[lineate][/lineate]MB: This is on the increase, the traditional image of the Indian woman of being a housewife and being at the beck-and-call of her husband hasn’t changed much. We need to make strict laws to force men to return home on time and not to spend time with other women.[lineate][/lineate]Arun Ketley (on alert after MB uttered the word “law”: I don’t think making new laws will change the situation. For every known law, there are at least a dozen loopholes.[lineate][/lineate](Meanwhile the Aam Aadmi representative had been frantically raising his hand to be able to speak but no one pays him attention. Finally, Arnab Goswami, notices him and asks him: I think Gharib Das has something to say on this; are you on the side of the husband or the lady?[lineate][/lineate]Gharib Das (helplessly): I think you have caught the bull by the tail. The issue here is not a women’s issue at all. The issue is why did it take the husband all of five hours to reach home from office. And I will tell you why: it is because of the poor state of the roads in Mumbai during the rains. Anywhere to anywhere takes this much time.[lineate][/lineate]Arnab: I think Gharib Das here is digressing from the issue at hand; let me get back to Mamta now: do you really think making new laws will help?[lineate][/lineate](Poor Gharib Das hold his head in both hands and would have pulled out his hair if there were any left.[lineate][/lineate]

IV

Scene at the Airlines Office

[lineate][/lineate]Harried Manager: For an hour’s flight, we have started calling people two hours in advance “due to traffic congestion in Mumbai” and yet people have been coming late. What should we do?[lineate][/lineate]Efficiency Expert (with solutions to all problems): I think we should start calling them three to four hours in advance. Indeed, for early morning flights, we must suggest to them to spend the night at the airport itself.[lineate][/lineate]Manager (with doubts): But, won’t it be a punishment for travellers?[lineate][/lineate]EE (Confidently): Since when has travel been anything but punishment in and out of Mumbai?[lineate][/lineate]

V

Scene at Watch Repair Shop

[lineate][/lineate]Irate Customer: This is my third visit to you to collect my repaired watch; every time you tell me you didn’t get time. What do you do with your time?[lineate][/lineate]Watch Repairer: Sir, the same thing what you do with your time; I spend most of my time commuting.[lineate][/lineate]Customer: Well, next time will be my last visit; what should I do if next time the watch is not ready?[lineate][/lineate]Watch Repairer: Sir, I suggest next time you buy a calendar. In Mumbai’s traffic, there is no point in looking at the watch for the time; one requires to keep track of the day and date one embarked on the journey.[lineate][/lineate]

VI

Somewhere in Headquarters of LeT

[lineate][/lineate]Terrorist Chief: We need to plan another attack on Mumbai to avenge the hanging of Shaheed Ajmal Kasab[lineate][/lineate]Loyal Terrorist I: Inshallah, we need to do that; they cannot hang our young, innocent lads like Ajmal bhai.[lineate][/lineate]Loyal Terrorist II: But, we need to wait until the rains are over. During the rains we just can’t even reach our targets.[lineate][/lineate]Terrorist Chief: Trust the Indians for having come up with the ultimate defence against our brave Jehaadis.”

mum_pothole_pkg_shawn

I can go on and on. But, the fact is that we shall soon come to a situation when Mumbaiites will stop going from anywhere to anywhere for fear of ageing on the roads during the rains.

COLD EMBERS

[lineate][/lineate]Over there, in that dark corner[lineate][/lineate]Is the old relic of a radio set[lineate][/lineate]It screeches and whines, if you turn it on[lineate][/lineate]No music comes out of it now[lineate][/lineate]At one time, not long ago[lineate][/lineate]I used to hear my favourite Hindi songs on it[lineate][/lineate]And then, it broke.[lineate][/lineate]But, still, I had music[lineate][/lineate]On my cell and lips[lineate][/lineate]And I miss the radio[lineate][/lineate]Only in nostalgia[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]Here on the wall[lineate][/lineate]Is my favourite clock[lineate][/lineate]Whereat I used to see the time[lineate][/lineate]To see you and be with you[lineate][/lineate]At one time, not long ago[lineate][/lineate]I used to love its tick-tock[lineate][/lineate]Counting minutes for the tryst[lineate][/lineate]And then it broke[lineate][/lineate]But, still, I have time[lineate][/lineate]On my cell and mind[lineate][/lineate]Though I scarcely need to know it now[lineate][/lineate]And I miss the clock[lineate][/lineate]Only in nostalgia[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]Over there, on the table[lineate][/lineate]Is the old wine-glass[lineate][/lineate]We used to drink from it together[lineate][/lineate]Sipping from the same stemmed glass[lineate][/lineate]As if it was a magic bowl[lineate][/lineate]That held us together[lineate][/lineate]In love, in warmth, in joys[lineate][/lineate]And then it broke[lineate][/lineate]But, still, I have another[lineate][/lineate]To drink and sip from[lineate][/lineate]And I miss the old glass[lineate][/lineate]Only in nostalgia[lineate][/lineate]

(Pic courtesy: thestrategyexchange.co.uk)
(Pic courtesy: thestrategyexchange.co.uk)

[lineate][/lineate]Deep inside my body[lineate][/lineate]Is my old bleeding heart[lineate][/lineate]It is dead and useless now[lineate][/lineate]It doesn’t feel anymore[lineate][/lineate]At one time, not long ago[lineate][/lineate]It was on a high[lineate][/lineate]Singing and flying[lineate][/lineate]But then, it broke[lineate][/lineate]And I don’t have another[lineate][/lineate]To beat, to feel, to live[lineate][/lineate]I miss my heart[lineate][/lineate]I wish it’d come alive again.[lineate][/lineate]

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LOVED

[lineate][/lineate]I shouldn’t have ever loved even though,[lineate][/lineate]I saw you in everything beautiful and so,[lineate][/lineate]I saw you in the flowers, birds and brooks,[lineate][/lineate]In nests, crannies, niches and nooks[lineate][/lineate]I saw you in the changing shades of twilight[lineate][/lineate]And in the whispering silence of moonlit night[lineate][/lineate]I should never have loved.[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]I am a man and it is more than well known,[lineate][/lineate]A man can never cry, sob or bemoan[lineate][/lineate]A woman has express right to feign heartbreak[lineate][/lineate]Even though he often suffers for hers sake[lineate][/lineate]So, you could deceive, cheat and spend your hours[lineate][/lineate]in drenching me in your abusive showers[lineate][/lineate]I should never have loved.[lineate][/lineate]

(Pic courtesy: fineartamerica.com)
(Pic courtesy: fineartamerica.com)

[lineate][/lineate]I wish, in my next life, I will be a woman born,[lineate][/lineate]And subject men around me to equal scorn[lineate][/lineate]And tell the story of what you did and do,[lineate][/lineate]And jeer, “No man, to a woman, can be true”[lineate][/lineate]Whilst giving him a life of perpetual agony[lineate][/lineate]And rejoice in this sweet irony[lineate][/lineate]I should never have loved.[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]Else, I would hope to get to that elusive verge[lineate][/lineate]Where heavens and earth finally merge[lineate][/lineate]And tell my story to the angels above[lineate][/lineate]Those poor men who once were abused in love[lineate][/lineate]By heartless women who accused and abused[lineate][/lineate]The trust that were held in often misused[lineate][/lineate]I should never have loved[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]I shouldn’t ever have loved being a man[lineate][/lineate]In a world where he can’t do what a woman can[lineate][/lineate]Through tears to tell all those around[lineate][/lineate]That a man is a wolf, a bull, a hound[lineate][/lineate]For every wrong he is often blamed[lineate][/lineate]Whilst it might just be opposite of what she claimed[lineate][/lineate]I should never have loved.[lineate][/lineate]

 

INDIANS CAN’T BE COMPLACENT ANY LONGER

A few years back, in order to prop us up as a bulwark against China, the US, supported by the Western media, started a relentless campaign to obliquely praise India for its “spectacular GDP growth”. This suited our politicians and bureaucrats since all this while they had to face the wrath of the people for let alone their aspirations, but, even the barest minimum necessities of life not having been met. Soon the think-tanks in India and the intelligentsia took up the anthem of ‘the growth story of India’ and Indian self-serving analysts started working out the exact dates by which we would overtake the economies of Japan, China and finally the US. The feel-good factor made many people happy and excited.

What went wrong? Firstly, we forgot that all indices, particularly the Human Development Index, put us at the bottom of the heap, tucked roughly between Belize and Uganda. We forgot that GDP growth largely reflected how well are the richest of the rich amassing wealth in India.

Secondly, together with Europe, the US economy had slowed down to near recession and in comparison, isolated (and bolstered too) as we were with our ‘self-sufficiency’ of domestic demand, we seemed to have been unaffected by the global economic slow-down. Since this economic complacency was not based on any robust fundamentals, it was soon to take a hit; which it has done now that the US economy is recovering. The dollar is already at an exchange rate of more than 62 rupees. How low is the value of the Indian currency can be made out by this curious observation that the politicians have stopped accepting Indian currency in bribes and now accept only gold. As a result of this artificially raised demand the gold-prices have experienced a sudden spurt.

Indeed, even abroad, the perception about India being touted as an economic giant gave way to India being the most corrupt country in the world. One German business daily which wrote an editorial on India said: “India is becoming a Banana Republic instead of being an economic superpower. To get the cut motion designated out, assurances are made to political allays. Special treatment is promised at the expense of the people. So, Ms Mayawati who is Chief Minister of the most densely inhabited state, is calmed when an intelligence agency probe is scrapped. The multi-million dollars fodder scam by another former chief minister wielding enormous power is put in cold storage. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh chairs over this kind of unparalleled loot.”

This newspaper editorial is a bit dated and we have since had many cusecs of water having gone down our polluted and corrupt, but still sacred river of Ganga. Economically, nothing describes our state of affairs better than our perpetually pot-holed roads. Enormous moneys go into maintaining these. And yet, with the first sign of rains, life becomes hell for all commuters. A routine trip to the office that used to take only twenty minutes, then starts taking ninety or more accompanied by the mood of the computer having been marred for the whole day having to battle against the pot holes and fellow traffickers. But, curiously, those who reach the other end silently pat themselves on the back for having reached safely whilst fellow commuters are still stuck on the road. This is, hence, representative of some of our Indians complacency in the face of the disaster that stares us in the face.

(Pic courtesy: adayinthelifeofaphdstudent.blogspot.in)
(Pic courtesy: adayinthelifeofaphdstudent.blogspot.in)

The dismal economic scenario, accompanied by rampant corruption and lack of even basic infrastructure, have come about when the shadow Prime Minister, who is strong in economics, is repeatedly asked to indulge in politics, wherein he is a weakling. Isn’t it a shame that the only time he showed he had a spine was when, on behest of the US, he took a firm stand that nuclear power is what the nation needs most at this juncture and would automatically solve all our other problems?

Since the ruling Congress front has failed miserably, one would start hopefully assuming that the main opposition – BJP front – would come up with an alternate plan or strategy to buck up economy, provide basic amenities and infrastructure, and control corruption. Nay, on the other hand, BJP has come up with their oft-repeated clincher of Ram Mandir. Do you think they have gone bonkers? No, I think that they have done their mathematics well (I have shown this maths at a post ‘How Proud Should We Be Of Indian Republic At 62?’ in this blog). They know that less than one per-cent swing in the votes is all that is required to be winners and make a government. For obtaining this one per-cent swing they can either take the ‘risky‘ way of being idealists and mean well for the Indian society or obtain it ‘safely’ by polarising the Indian society. They would, therefore, invariably tilt towards such polarisation; knowing very well that Congress too is only pseudo-secularist and panders to the vote bank of the Muslims in a huge way.

(Pic courtesy: indiawires.com)
(Pic courtesy: indiawires.com)

With this, the voter is stuck between the devil and the deep-sea; and, the chances of Indian conditions improving are just a pipe-dream. It saddens me to know that this hopeless state of affairs has come about at a time when we should have done the best. It is because the country’s demographic profile suits high-growth. We are a young country with average age of an Indian being only 29 years. This youth could have been employed in rebuilding a nation. Gradually, our population will start ageing like those of European countries and Japan and then favourable conditions for growth would become even more scarce.

What should we do in this scenario? We don’t have the wherewithal and nor is it necessary to jump into the dirty world of elections by fielding candidates. I think the solution lies in this adage: ‘In democracy you don’t just elect a government, you get the one that you deserve’. We can have a voice through social media including blogs, Facebook and Twitter to let the candidates know that we can’t be fooled by promises of Ram Mandir or doles under Food Security Bill. Lets raise our voices so that it becomes mandatory for the candidates to shun corruption, crime, parochialism and come up with realistic and pragmatic plans for the betterment of our people and nation.

For this it is necessary that we choose the right candidates not emotionally but objectively; not merely by his/her party affiliations but by his/her own attributes and potential.

Lets spread the word around that next elections are the last ones before people become so frustrated and alienated from their elected representatives that they are forced to choose the path of revolution.

AH MUMBAI!

[lineate][/lineate]A ten minute ride now takes hours,[lineate][/lineate]Thanks to Mumbai’s perpetual pot holes,[lineate][/lineate]All that happens is a few showers,[lineate][/lineate]
That make us scream: “Please Save Our Souls”.[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]Save Our Souls from the pools of corruption,[lineate][/lineate]That surround Mumbai’s make-over schemes,[lineate][/lineate]Everywhere it results in wasteful disruption,[lineate][/lineate]Throwing water over our hopes and dreams.[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]The same contractors who do shoddy work,[lineate][/lineate]Are the preferred bidders of the big-wigs,[lineate][/lineate]The taste of money gives them a smirk,[lineate][/lineate]As they move on the roads, their junky rigs.[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]Cordoning off roads for some future repairs,[lineate][/lineate]Is for them most of the work done,[lineate][/lineate]People suffer and are in tears and despair,[lineate][/lineate]But these leeches have their bloody fun.[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]The courts then come in and order a count,[lineate][/lineate]Of thousands of pot holes big and small,[lineate][/lineate]Controversies then begin to mount,[lineate][/lineate]That less than four feet is no hole at all![lineate][/lineate]

(Pic courtesy: meri-awaaz-suno@blogspot.in)
(Pic courtesy: meri-awaaz-suno@blogspot.in)

[lineate][/lineate]Lives are lost, people and vehicles are injured,[lineate][/lineate]But nothing moves these thick skinned thieves,[lineate][/lineate]They witness the effect of what they conjured,[lineate][/lineate]Public money passing through their corrupt sieves.[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]Life goes on with not a change in sight,[lineate][/lineate]Across Mumbai’s dismal road-show,[lineate][/lineate]We nurture a hope that the future is bright,[lineate][/lineate]We shall soon reach where we want to go.[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]Alas, our Netas and Babus know for sure,[lineate][/lineate]That people tolerance levels are high,[lineate][/lineate]Next Monsoons the same fate they can endure,[lineate][/lineate]Though this Monsoon may make them cry.[lineate][/lineate]

 

[lineate][/lineate]The financial capital of our nation,[lineate][/lineate]Is reflective of the state we are in,[lineate][/lineate]High hopes but lack of determination,[lineate][/lineate]Makes us, of our future, unfairly sanguine.[lineate][/lineate]

WOMEN ON TOP

(On the suggestion that woman should approach man bare and also help to disrobe him)

You can take each piece of clothing,
And on the floor coyly drop.
Does it fill men with loathing,
To permit women on top?

To answer I must go back to stone age,
When women used to be dragged by the hair,
Later it filled them with just rage,
And they screamed: “It’s not fair.”

As hunter and bread winner, the poor man,
Battled and fought and loved the chase;
He got used to it as anyone can,
And now we call his pursuit a craze!

Women, yes, do venture into men’s world,
And do everything he used to do,
But don’t approach him naked as a bird,
Let him at least disrobe you.

Pic courtesy: 'Disrobed' by Neil Young
Pic courtesy: ‘Disrobed’ by Neil Young

I know, left to yourself, in the same vein,
You’d soon want to become from heroine to hero,
I don’t know what you will eventually gain,
By making yesterday’s hunter today’s zero.

Despite all the differences that are there,
It is fun to be woman and man,
So on your own don’t try to be bare,
Just because you know you can.

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