There is good news for Mumbai and indeed for most Indian cities. No, no, this is not to do with recent hike in Diesel rates, which proved that the UPA government indeed has spine. Indeed, bolstered by the “success” of the hike and its aftermath, UPA government has now decided that they would be hiking the prices of all essential commodities, if only to prove the existence of the back-bone or the vertebral column. Speaking on the occasion, the Finance Minister said, “We shall not allow the UPA Spine to become a bone of contention between us and the allies and other parties and the nation.”
Nor is the good news for Mumbai due to the fact that UPA’s spinal recovery did wonders to the health of the stock-markets. “Come on, Sunbyanyname” you are bound to say, “Tell us quickly what’s the good news for Mumbai and by extension for most Indian cities; the suspense is killing us?”
Alright, alright, here it goes:
Scientists have now discovered that human waste or excreta can be used as fuel for transport. Isn’t that wonderful news for Mumbai and Indian cities? Our efforts haven’t gone waste, after all. For years we have been gathering filth and excreta in our cities and people abroad thought that we were just being dirty, filthy, uncouth people. Now only they would know that India would have great energy potential. We might just become the energy capital of the world.
And to think that we were trying to get gas by TAPI (Turkmenistan-Afghanistan-Pakistan-India) pipeline or other pipelines that are, well, in the pipeline for decades now. Now, realizing our new potential as having more human waste than any other country in the world, we can start supplying gas to the neighbouring countries. They were getting free gas from our politicians on important international issues. Now, for the first time, they can start getting gas that can actually be used.
Some of the readers can speculate that this may fuel speculation in other countries to produce more human waste and it may result in competition. Let me put all anxieties on this count to rest by bringing out that we, in India, are years ahead of them in our spread of human excreta and they have no chance in hell of catching up with us. Every one in six person in the world is an Indian; now, we shall have every one in six vehicles in the world run on Indian Gas.
I don’t know why it took the scientists so much time to discover this simple form of energy. The Law of Conservation of Energy should have already brought home the fact to them that Indians couldn’t have been wrong. Indeed, if this gas can be used for cooking, it would complete one full cycle; and, there won’t be any need to get those two cylinders of gas from the government on unsubsidized rates.
One more fallout of this discovery:
Already sedition charges have been dropped against the cartoonist Aseem Trivedi. However, he still has to face other charges for insult to constitution etc. Now, all he has to say is that he was only being ahead of his times by portraying the true energy potential of our people.
This discovery will have various other fall-outs; and all for the good:
Do you remember the time you used to sit in a railway compartment or aeroplane or at a public place and there would be this burly man who would, without warning, break wind? Do you remember how you would immediately change seat and hold nose with thumb and index finger of the right hand? Now, if only scientists would come up with portable gas cylinders and you are able to tap this source, your car might be able to go an extra mile, thanks to the burly man. Breaking wind in public may just become a public utility exercise. Bandra Park where people used to gather (until intervention by the court to put a stop to such gatherings) to laugh their guts out in order to recharge their energies, might just become the meeting place of India’s Energy big-wigs.
Also consider how we get after the BMC for having heaps of filth everywhere. Now, people might just be thanking them for the energy source. Our BMC councilors might suddenly find themselves elevated from Zero to Hero. Indeed, I won’t be surprised if someone like Ram Gopal Verma has a forthcoming movie by that name. I won’t also be surprised if they come up with a sequel to Slumdog Millionaire, showing the energy potential of Mumbai’s slums and many millionaires in the making by doing what they do everywhere.
Now, if only they can make energy out of noise too, Mumbai would really become the Energy Capital of the World.
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